My Story...Thus Far

People have been asking me to share my story in full. Some of them have heard pieces, some have heard it third hand. After a long talk with a trusted friend today (a friend that makes $80 an hour to talk to me ;)), I decided that it would be good for me to share my story, not only to help myself, but in hopes that it will help somebody else who is struggling and feeling alone.

My Grandpa Roy, died in 1969. 11 years before I was born. In my younger years I would say or do something and my mother would tell me that I sounded "just like my daddy"....

The story with me and my Grandfather really starts the day that I finally got the courage to kick my husband out and file for divorce. I had endured 2 1/2 years of abuse. This "camel's back" finally broke, and I threw him out. That night, I knew I needed to ask for a blessing. I called a very good friend and, like always, he came right over to give me a blessing.

This friend only knew that I was having a hard time in my marriage. He knew nothing of the abuse I had suffered, the mental state that I was in, or that I had just kicked my husband out. And, he definitely didn't know anything about my family. In that blessing, he called my Grandpa Roy, by name, and said that he'd been given the special assignment of being my guardian angel. I was told that as long as I was worthy of his help, he would be right next to me, protecting me, comforting me, and showing me what I needed to do.

A few weeks later, I was standing with Tanner looking at pictures on my 'gallery wall'. Tanner was about 18 months old. I would point at a picture and ask him who it was. He'd point out Uncle Chad, or Aunt Kathryne, or Uncle Mikey...then all of a sudden he pointed and said "grandpa" (Well, his version of grandpa)...I looked at the pictures, and there isn't a single picture of my father on that board. And my dad is the only grandpa that my boys know. I asked Tanner to repeat himself. He leaned in close to the board, put his finger right on my grandfather's face (It's a little 3X5 black and white snap shot that was taken a few years before he died and said "Grandpa, Mommy" I looked at Tanner and asked "Do you know Grandpa, Tanner?"...and he just smiled and said "YEP!"....

Down the road a while, when the divorce trials and such were in full swing, I received another blessing from a different friend. I had never told him anything about the previous blessing I had received. In that blessing, I was once again told that my grandfather was my guardian and that he was still with me, and would be as long as I'm worthy of his help.

Down the road, when I found out I was pregnant with Andrew, and started wavering between the decision to keep him or not, I prayed and prayed. I remember laying in my bed asking my Heavenly Father, or my Grandpa, or SOMEBODY to tell me what to do. Andrew's conception was so traumatic for me, that the thought of raising a child out of that scared me, but at the same time I couldn't imagine giving away my own baby.

I don't remember exactly how far into the pregnancy it was, but one night, as I was laying in bed awake, my Grandfather came to me. He sat down on the edge of my bed and told me that he and my Grandma had been taking care of a special spirit for me. He told me that this spirit had waited a long time to have me as it's mommy and that everything happened for a reason. He kissed my forehead and told me that he was going to be right next to me, to make sure that my children and I were safe and loved.

I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that keeping my baby was the ONLY decision for me.

I went into labor with Andrew at noon on a Tuesday afternoon. Between Tuesday and Friday night, I labored, mostly alone, in my bed. I made a few trips to the hospital for them to give me drugs to stop my labor, but nothing helped. At 6 am Saturday morning, after being with me in triage all night long, I asked my mother to go home and make sure Tanner was okay. It wasn't long after that, I received my epidural and the doctor decided that there was no way to hold off Andrew's birth any longer. I begged the doctor to let me call my mom so she could be with me when the baby was born. As soon as I told Mom to hurry back to the hospital, my water was broken and within 10 minutes Andrew was here. My mom hadn't made it back in time. I gave birth to that precious spirit, totally alone. Yea, the doctor, and about 200 neonatal people were there, but noody was there for me.

When Andrew was put on my belly for that amazing first minute, until they took him away to the NICU, I could feel my grandfather put his arms around me and whisper that everything would be fine. As they took Andrew off to the NICU, I remember whispering "Grandpa go with him!"...The doctor's looked at me funny, but I knew that Grandpa did go with him and watched over him.

Andrew's middle name is Roy. He's my gift from my Grandpa. There are days when I look at Andrew's smile and can imagine my grandfather smiling back at me. I hope that Grandpa is proud of me, and the mother I am trying to be. I also hope that my son will feel the love of the amazing man he's named after, and the will aspire to be just like him!

I still feel Grandpa around me. I know he's there when I'm sick in the night and totally alone. I know he's with me when I have to struggle through a day that is so exhausting I think I might kill my kids. He's still looking after me.

Just last night, I was reminded again. The last few days have been very trying for me. Life seems to, once again, be spiriling out of control. Last night, as I was looking around for one of Tanner's blankets that normally lives in the living room, I asked Tanner where it was. He simply said "It's on my bed, Mommy. Some man came into my room last night, told me he loves me and tucked me in". I scrunched up my forehead and walked into T's room. Sure enough, that blanket was perfectly tucked into T's bed. No 4 year old could have done that himself.

Grandpa is with me. He's here. I don't know how I was lucky enough to deserve his help, but I am grateful each day for his presence and love. I can't wait for the day that I can run up to him, give him a hug and thank him for taking care of my two little boys, until it was their turn to come to this earth.